


show me the light

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Established Relationship, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Mpreg Louis, Overthinking, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:40:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24235918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Louis wiped away his tears and forced himself to get up. Harry would be back home soon and he couldn’t afford for Harry to see him in this pathetic state, sprawled out on the toilet floor, face sweaty as he stunk of vomit which would only worry Harry more than he already was. Louis was aware that he wasn’t fooling anyone. Neither Harry, nor the other lads. But he had to keep up with the act that nothing out of the blue had happened because he wasn’t ready to have the talk yet.-Or, Louis finds out that he pregnant but is hit by a train of self-doubt and negative thoughts.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 81





	show me the light

Louis gripped the toilet seat tightly as he emptied the contents of his stomach for the third time that day. This was a common occurrence nowadays but that didn’t mean that he was used to it. He collapsed onto the floor with his back against the wall as he sat panting. Which soon turned into a complete breakdown as tears streamed down his face. Everyone knew that Louis was an easy crier. He couldn’t hold back his emotions and if the situation called, he wouldn’t be afraid to shed a few tears in front of people just because he was a guy. But the number of times he found himself tearing up lately had to be a new record even for him. Although he could blame these recent breakdowns on his hormones now that he knew he was pregnant. 

One would’ve thought that he would’ve been over the moon knowing that he and Harry, the love of his life were going to have a baby. And it wasn’t like he wasn't happy about it. He is really happy about it. But right when he thought about telling Harry and then eventually telling his family and then the lads, he was hit by a million negative thoughts about the pregnancy. Louis tried pushing those thoughts away, he really did. But soon he found himself losing his mind, spinning in these scenarios of what ifs. 

What if Harry didn’t want the baby? He told himself he was being stupid. Of course Harry wanted kids, he loved babies so much. And they talked about having kids so much. But it was always in the future, never now. So what if Harry didn’t want a baby right now? What if they weren't ready? Was he ready? Sure he had plenty of experience changing nappies and taking care of babies because he grew up having to take care of his six younger siblings. But that was definitely different from having your own baby. Right? What if he turned out to be shit at parenting? What if he failed at it? Because why not? Look at him now, it was just over a week of knowing that he was carrying a baby and he was already a complete mess. 

Louis wiped away his tears and forced himself to get up. Harry would be back home soon and he couldn’t afford for Harry to see him in this pathetic state, sprawled out on the toilet floor, face sweaty as he stunk of vomit which would only worry Harry more than he already was. Louis was aware that he wasn’t fooling anyone. Neither Harry, nor the other lads. But he had to keep up with the act that nothing out of the blue had happened because he wasn’t ready to have the talk yet. He hasn’t even told Harry that they were going to be parents. Just the mere thought caused Louis’ eyes to well up again. ‘Get a grip!’ he told himself harshly. Trembling, he flushed the toilet and turned towards the mirror and knew that if Harry saw him like this, he would obviously find out that Louis had been crying and would somehow confirm his suspicion that something was off and would try to talk to him.

++

When Harry came back home from dinner with Gemma and Anne, he found Louis already fast asleep on their bed. He looked at Louis closely, the tear stains on his face telling him that Louis had fallen asleep crying. Louis looked tired. He always looked tired lately. He knew to give Louis space when he got in one of his moods, but this was different. Something was wrong but Louis wasn’t willing to talk about it. Every time Harry tried asking him about it, Louis would insist everything was fine and he’d steer the conversation into another direction. As if Harry didn’t know what he was trying to do. He needed to find out what was going on soon, because seeing Louis liked this worried him immensely. It pained Harry to know that there was something going on with Louis but he couldn’t do anything to help him. And even more thinking that there was something Louis might not trust Harry enough with to talk to him about it. He brushed off Louis’ fringe which was falling over his eyes and kissed his forehead softly. “Good Night Lou.”

++

Louis and the boys were now seated in a conference room waiting for their band managers to arrive so they could discuss the promotion strategies of their new album - Made In The A.M. and their plans of the upcoming tour. 

“What do you say Lou? You in for a lads’ night?” Niall asked loudly, pulling Louis out of his thoughts. He wasn’t listening to what they were talking about anyway, too lost in his thoughts. 

“Um what?” He asked as the boys looked at him expectantly and Harry at him with… concern?

“I asked if you would be in for a lads night out? We could go clubbing? Or maybe even a movie night?” 

Louis felt guilty for not going through with the plans of going clubbing with them the last time but what could he have done? He felt absolutely knackered that day and also didn’t know what he possibly say to go clubbing and not have a drink? “A movie night would be great.” He smiled. The boys had just decided to head over to his and Harry’s place over the weekend for the movie night when their managers entered the room and Louis tensed.

Since Harry had told him about the meeting this morning, Louis seemed to be on the edge. And Harry knew. The thing is, he did not think about this at all. The tour. The management. He absolutely did not want to think about what would happen when the management found out. They can’t really do anything about it. Can they? What could they possibly do? Would they make Harry go through more stunts? Would they make him go through more stunts before he started showing? What if they asked him to -- Nope, he wasn’t going there. That was surely not possible. And they aren’t that cruel. They wouldn’t. They couldn’t. Right?

He needed to clear his mind. He couldn’t get worked up over every single thought that crossed his mind. It wasn’t good for the baby, he reminded himself. It’ll all be okay. It’ll be alright. He told himself. 

++

Harry woke up from his nap to the sound of Louis laughing. He had decided to take a nap before the lads came over for a Marvel movie marathon. 

He entered the living room softly not wanting to interrupt whatever Louis was doing. It had been days since he’d seen Louis in a good mood. Louis was sitting on the couch wearing trackies and Harry’s sweater and he looked so soft. Harry could not help but stare at Louis dopily as he giggled while watching a funny animal compilation video on YouTube. 

“Hey, you’re up.” Louis said, finally noticing Harry who was still staring at him. His voice was all raspy which made Harry smile wider. Louis patted on the couch next to him inviting Harry to join him. “Daisy kept spamming me with a bunch of YouTube videos for days, so I finally decided to watch a few of them and now I can’t stop watching them, Haz.” 

“How come you don’t watch the same videos I send you and you say they’re stupid but when Daisy sends them they’re suddenly all cute and funny?” Harry pouted sitting down next to him. 

“Cause she’s 12 Haz. And you’re 22.” Louis said, shaking his head but smiling fondly. “But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, since you do act like a 12 year old.” 

“Hey!” Louis laughed again and ate a spoon of mint chocolate chip ice cream from it’s container. Harry absolutely could not look away from Louis. Not even when Louis tossed a pillow at Harry saying, “You’re staring at me like a creep Haz.” 

“It’s not creepy. It’s cute.” 

“The fans think differently. And so do I.” Harry crossed his arm and looked away feigning offence. 

“Haz?” Louis poked at Harry’s side making him turn the other side. “Hey, come on. I’m sorry. It wasn’t creepy at all. You know that.” 

“Whatever.” Louis kept the ice cream container on the side table and slowly edged towards Harry. He still wasn’t looking at Louis so he made his way onto Harry’s lap, instinctively Harry’s hands going around Louis’ waist. Louis tipped Harry chin, making him look at him. “I’m sorry baby,” He said softly, tucking a loose strand of Harry’s hair behind his ear. Harry’s grip tightened on Louis and he pulled him closer. It had been so long since Louis had even looked at Harry properly. And now that he was so close to him, he didn’t want to stop looking at him. He softly caressed Harry’s face as he looked on at Louis affectionately. 

“Who’s being the creepy one now huh?” Harry said quietly, a blush forming on his cheeks. No matter how much time had passed, Louis would never fail to make Harry feel all shy and soft like a 16 year old in love. Shaking his head, Louis bit his lip trying not to smile. 

“I um- have to pee.” Louis said suddenly and scrambled off Harry's lap rushing to the washroom, feeling all shy suddenly. Harry looked at him go, not being able to wipe off the huge smile of his face. 

++

Struck by sudden inspiration, Harry fumbled through the drawers of the closet trying to find his journal to write down a few lines he just came up with. Where was the journal? Had he misplaced it? Shit. He could jot them down on the notes app on his phone but he always preferred keeping a journal for it. 

He was looking for it in the last drawer when a bunch of papers fell out. He picked them up and he was about to put them back when his eyes fell on Louis’ signature. His eyes quickly scanned through the paper not believing a word he was reading. Louis was leaving the band? Why? He was hurt but a lot confused. What was going on?

++

Louis started to ask Harry about what the time lads would be coming when he stopped abruptly when he saw Harry standing frozen looking at some papers. The papers. The papers about Louis leaving the band. Shit. Harry wasn’t supposed to find those. Why was Harry holding them? Reading them? Louis quickly went and snatched the papers from Harry’s hand. “Harry! You weren’t supposed to.. You.. I..” He fumbled for words and hoped that Harry hadn’t read it but he knew the damage was already done. He couldn’t look at Harry. 

“You’re leaving the band.” Harry said quietly. It wasn’t a question. “You’re leaving the band?” He questioned this time shaking his head not being able to believe what he just read. He faced Louis who was looking at him cautiously as if he didn’t know how Harry was going to react. Both of them stood there not knowing what to say. Louis was caught so off guard. For someone who had spent the past few days making up every possible scenario and its consequences he had not thought about this. How had he not thought about this! And now Harry only knew half of it. He didn’t know the whole thing and Louis had to tell him. But he didn’t know where to start. And with Harry looking at him so hurt, confused and most of all betrayed? Louis was panicking. He reached out to Harry, his hand trembling slightly, Harry stumbled back, “This is obviously a well thought decision right? You’ve been thinking about leaving the band for a while now. Cause you have all the papers ready. And.. and it’s not like you were having second thoughts either cause they’re all signed and ready to… Do the boys know?“ He took a deep breath, “When were you planning to tell me, Lou? Were you ever planning to tell me? Or was I going to find out from the management after you left? And what about us Lou? Did you not trust me enough to tell me that you wanted out? Hell, I still don’t know why you want to quit. I don’t know anything anymore Lou! Do you even trust me anymore?” His voice broke. 

“Lou, you have to say something. Please.” Harry pleaded when Louis didn’t say anything, but cried silently. A few moments passed by as Harry waited for Louis to say something, to explain, to say what he was saying was wrong, that it was nothing but a misunderstanding but Louis wasn’t saying anything! He just stood there not looking at Harry and Harry didn’t know what to do. He had so many thoughts running through his mind, and none of them were good. He was getting frustrated but also so scared. 

“What’s going on Lou?” He rubbed Louis’ back, trying to get him to calm down. 

“Haz - I’m sorry. I should’ve talked to you about all this sooner but I guess I wasn’t ready? I’ve been thinking too much about everything and worrying about it all and yeah..” The words rushed out of Louis’ mouth as Harry waited patiently. 

Louis took in a shaky breath and blurted out, “I’m pregnant. We’re going to have a baby.” Harry’s face went through various emotions in a span of a few seconds - from shock to disbelief and then finally happiness. Tears sprung to Harry’s eyes, smiling so wide as he processed what Louis had just said. “Are you serious? Oh my God. You’re pregnant?! He reached out to caress Louis' stomach, I can’t believe this. We’re going to have a baby? Lou - I” He flung himself on Louis and hugged him tightly. “I can’t believe this.” He hid his face against the crook of Louis’ neck and sniffled. “I love you so much Lou. We’re going to have a baby! I can’t - “ he drew back cupping Louis’ face. He held Harry’s hands smiling at him through his tears. He couldn’t believe it. Why hadn’t he told Harry this before? Obviously Harry would be happy about this. He felt stupid for ever having doubting about Harry.

After a few moments Harry gathered himself and asked Louis softly, “Why didn’t you want to tell me this sooner Lou?” 

He was quiet for a few moments before he said quietly, “I heard you talk to Mrs. Smith, at dinner last week you know. I heard when you told her that you weren't ready for kids yet, with all the touring and how we’re still too young.”

“Lou -”

“And I know that this is different. And that we hadn’t planned it but hearing you say that had me thinking that what if we really aren’t ready yet. What if it really is too early.” 

“I -

“And to top everything, there’s the tour to think about. We really can’t postpone the tour, can we? And if we also found some solution about that issue, that would mean jeopardizing the future of the band. How will the management react? They’d lose their shit if they found out about this and what if they -” 

“Lou - hey come on. Deep breaths yeah. In and out. In and out.” Harry helped calm Louis down who had started freaking out again. He pulled his legs to his chest, hugging them tightly. “I’m really scared, Haz,” Louis said quietly.

“Baby. Come on. Look at me Lou.” He shifted closer to Louis forcing Louis to look at him. “I’m so sorry baby that I hurt you. That you heard about what I said when you were going through this. But you need to know one thing Lou - that I will never,” he said firmly but softly “I will never not want to have kids with you Lou. It’s something we’ve always wanted. Still want. More than anything! I mean since we were what - um eighteen?” Louis smiled softly remembering how they had spent a whole night, lying on the bed cuddling and talking about how they wanted three kids, discussing names and how they would buy a huge house with a backyard for the kids to play. 

++

Before the lads came over that day, Harry held on to Louis tightly as he talked through every doubt, every insecurity Louis had. It gutted him to know that Louis had all these thoughts and he hadn’t known sooner to brush away all his worries. 

When the boys came, Harry told them the news, they congratulated the soon-to-be parents. As they started bickering who the godparents would be, Louis was surprised by how supportive the boys were. It’s not that Louis had expected anything else, but he was so lost in his head lately, conveniently forgetting how well the bays had each others’ back and how they were brothers. They also discussed the future of the band and decided that it would be best to take a well deserved break, which they were planning on taking anyway. Taking some time off to spend time with their respective families, and maybe then focus on their solo careers. 

Louis smiled softly over at Harry, squeezing his hand trying to convey that he was so happy to be here right now, with Harry, the boys. It’s not like with a snap of fingers, all his worries were gone. He was still anxious about the future, but he knew he was not alone, he had Harry with him. Feeling calm and content, he knew he was ready for the next chapter of his life, ready to be a parent with Harry by his side.


End file.
